Journals Of mY Life

Pertemuan ini pertemuan terakhir
Dari dua insan yang sedang berkasih
Kerna esok hari kita tidak lagi
Digelarkan pasangan bercinta
Sudah ku menduga kau akan berubah
Cuma tunggu masa untuk kau meluah
Tapi hari ini terbukti semuanya
Kau pinta ku melupakan dirimu
Tak apalah… ku tak kisah
Memang itu keputusanmu
Memang itu nasib aku
Sering terluka dan jiwa tersiksa
Biar hitam sejarah hidupku
Namun aku tetap tabahkan hati
Kesal memang kesal hatiku tercalar
Siapalah yang inginkan perpisahan
Andai suatu hari ada orang yang bertanya
Mengapa kita tidak lagi bersama
Jawablah bahawa jodoh kita tiada
Dan kita tidak pernah sengketa
Moga engkau… berbahagia
Di sampingnya yang engkau puja
Cuma satu yang aku pinta
Undanglah aku di hari bahagiamu.

I begin to like this song even though it was such a old song begin with. but the lyrics are really meangingful to me.. sadly that we are apart rite now, but i know ure not that type of person.. there must be a reason behind this and i respect that. take care and im gonna miz every single time i spend my time with ya..thanks sharil…

never expected she lied to me for a guy…the moment i heard that she lied to me, i breakdown and cry. couldnt  believe a person that i think so highly of to do this to me.. what did i do to deserve this? y must she lied to me? is this what i call a true friend? and she knew that i like him but she hurt me by doing this to me.. and yet not even an apology came to me.. i treasure the friendship and yet this is what i get, not being honest.. y cant ppl just be honest with each other. and y have to kept lying…im not stupid and i know that surely the truth will come out sooner. what more does she want. she got whatever she want and y betray me. i trust her so much and even confide her of my feelings and yet, she played me out. im so naive and soft hearted that ppl step onto my head and never really understand my feelings.. if she really have the brain and heart, she wouldnt do this to betray me. just be honest, dats it..

i have not been updating my blog lately and lots of things happen since i last type it here. My life would be filled with happiness and sadness lately.. The most memorable time i had was a gathering with my x-classmates from rss. Its been 10 - 12 yrs we, have not met up. and finally we met, have lunch @ seoul garden and had a great chat at starbucks…and now after 1 mth of not seeing them, start to miss them so much. i have to understand that everyone bz with their lives and spending times with their love ones. im happy for sue that she got a great good husband and sadly enuff for us, we girls are still the bachelorettes. anyway being single is hard for me, but then i move on and commit much of my time with werk. Now i do believe that by being attach with someone makes hard for me to achieve my goal. When the moment im attached with someone, we stick like glue and we dun even have time on our own. This time being with my bestfriends and spending most time with the family makes it worth. I wanna go holidays badly, the last place i went was k.l and it was not like a faraway holiday i want. im saving up now and probably if god’s will, i wanna head to australia for a holiday in december. Its just that,i have to get a travel partner or else im totally lost there. I never get the chance to go there 2 yrs ago which i may called "a honeymoon" but it never happen at all. hmmmm….sighhhhh!!!! Anyway i was having a great time last 2 weekends with my girlfriends at sentosa cove. We were chilling at george place having lots and lots of wine and the ambiance there were so cozy. On weekends, spend most of my times, with my bestfriend shopping and chilling.Cant wait on her freedom day on 2nd june. I truly understand how she felt now being strezz with her life and work but its gonna be over soon, im counting the days. Hmmm, finally our good friend, raja has discharged after nearly 1 mth laying down in hospital due to breakage of his rib. Now he’s totally well after 2 surgery on him. Hope he’s doin fine. Oh mind, i start to mizz my Obriens friends already. saw aisha, linda, zali, erin, raja reminds the old days. I do mizz the techniques and my buddies, hope mar and shai enjoy their trip to europe. i dunno hows zaq and aini is doin now, hope everyone doin fine. As for my love life rite now, no one in particular, come across someone special in a moment but doesnt last long. In one moment i realise there are someone looking for me when they needed me, next moment, i realise when i needed them, they are not there for ya. well clearly enuff, it for the guys only. I had so enuff of that and giving up already. now its time i set myself straight to my own life. i couldnt be bothered with my age which getting older yr by yr. all i know by having fun and achieve the goals that i’ve been wanting is my first step in life rite now. Hopefully, i prove everyone wrong this time.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…….Frustrating when only ur good friends comes to u when there is problems….When everthing fine, they dun look u up…I’ve been listening to others problem, do anyone listen to mine???? do anyone know what im feeling rite now, do anyone care and ask how whether how my life goin on?   I simply dun get that from these ppls…….. I dun mind listenin to ur problem but at least ask abt me though……im so fucking pissed off when ppl wakes me up in the the middle of the night and tells their problems to me. no mattter, wht kind of advices or opinions i give, u still running back to her…so wat the fuck!!!! 

last sunday, my relationship with him was over.. he called it quits in msn and yet no balls to tell me straight to the face. thinking of all the pressure that he have given me all this while, i guess it worth to quit. finally, it shows me the true colours of him that he doesnt know how to tackle this relationship.  Basically what i need is good communication between us.. well, since he told me that i shd use my common sense to know that if he ignores me, thats mean he want space… well, i told him that im not a mind reader to know what on his mind. i dun simply undertstand y too he cant use his brain to tell/discuss with me that he need his own space.. is having individual space is importance in every relationship? i put it as a no. y cant he grow up and think like a man that all this thing can work out by talking to each other. basically all this is an excuse to called it quits. well, everyone say that he’s only 21 and he still need to grow up.hes not totally ready for commitment. i shd listen to all my friens who advising me that. and yet i make a mistake by not listening to them. this time age do matters to me. im so dissapointed of not being appreciate by him of what i did for to his family and himself.  some ppl expect me to understand him as he facing pressure at work too. what kind of pressure hes facing? that he cant tackle between werk and relationship. since he cant take the pressure of being the admin boy in the army for like 2 yrs, y cant he understand of me being in admin jobs for like 6 yrs handling more jobs and highly demand bosses. Well…what goes ard, comes ard. i hope for that

aaarrrrggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! this really stress me up……………i packed my bags and leave his house thinking that he would ask me y? I took uncle advice and hoping this time it will work between us. I felt really down and wanting to know whats goin on between me and him. y day by day, its getting worst…im trying to understand that hes buzy with werk and have have loads of projects/assignment to be complete but y cant he confide with me. y hes expressing everything to uncle. I noticed that hes acting cold towards me or trying to ignore me at times……y he have to do that?…what did i do wrong this time….y cant our relationship be normal like last time…. i try to leave his home and went bk straight to my place trying to give him space but till when…..i want him to confide in me and tell me whats bothering him…i kept crying thinking he would leave me…if he is, what shd i do? i simple cant leave w/o him now…i love him soo much and really hope i will change for him and im trying sooo hard rite now….im suffering soo much rite now freaking out if he utters ‘break-up". im so afraid…i want to give him space and i now i really want to know whether he still love me or not. y cant he secure me that….. i know that im being pushy at times and always have the negative thoughts abt this relationship..i know that i dun feel so secure probably im too attached with him..can i survive this loneliness without him at the moment… will it works? if he wants space, i can give it to him, but i need him to tell me that….. im still his gf and can he understand that….im depressed what shd i do……….i need help but dunno frm who……i need to confide, but i lost my friends…. i need love frm him and everyone, but nobody knows what im feeling rite now….. crying, crying, crying everyday i cried.. i want to end my life desperately coz i cant take this pressure anymore…i want to be happy with him….can we do this again plsssssssssssssssssssssssssss………………………………

every blog of mine lately consists of relationship, depressing and lost of friends…..mostly all are problems. nothing abt fun and lovely things to type only for 1, that i got him….how i wish that i could update most of my blogs with happiness and fun things that happen on my daily lifes. This yr is a new yr for me and the great part was i got a new job…. other than that, everything was left behind…put 1 example like today, i want him to know what my feelings abt him and we end up having an arguement instead.. lead me being alone sitting outside wondering will this time works. i sat outside for 2 hours thinking that he will look me up, instead he sleeping soundly as my calls being ignored. i understand he’s tired

this year 2007, i quit my previous job and went over my new job in a shipping industry in my previous company. quite relaxing for these past few days as im learning the new system and building new relationship with the new colleagues from malaysia. It has been 4 years i have not touch on shipping documents and need to brush up on it badly.  hmmm….surprisingly i do have ppls that i dont even know they are exist and knowing me by my name…freaky! Anyway hopefully, i get to go to k.l to meet up with my new colleagues in malaysia dept…something to get away at the moment.. I guess im pretty pack now with my life handling both family matters  and my new job, afraid that i will lose all my friends as i dun have the times for them…i really hope they understand my position very well. i totally miz mar and the rest…at times i do mizz talking to her abt my day to day lifes..i know she’s bz with her werk too and dance thingi… anyway hopefully this yr, i settle down comfortably with my new life with someone new and work too… Insyaallah… 

oh mind 2006 have ended and now welcoming 2007…yr 2006 has past fast and it leaves me with bad memories at times and even im suffering depression lately…and yet i have not been updating my blog here for like 2 mths plus and have loads of things which i wanna share and let it all out.  well, friends have been telling me that i have forgotten friends ever since i got him.. well buddies/friends, not that i have forgotten u guys, i’ve been bz with werk and my personal life and have been falling sick at that time too… hope u guys understand… friends are not meant to be forgotten and im so sorrie if i dun get in touch with u guys, and change my number so suddenly due to unnecessary/irritating phonecalls that i’ve been getting…at times i do missed the times mixing with the old friends and new ones too, its just i dun have the time on my own too… well, this time hope i wanna get in touch back with whoever i have not contact back for the past 3 mths especially zaq, adriena, zali, raja, firas, aisha & linda…that will be 1 part of the new resolution for me.. for the rest of my resolutions for this yr, throw away the past and began the new beginning with him, lead the healthy lifestyle together and focusing on things that i wanna achieve badly every year.  few friends of mine been saying that my relationship with him wouldnt last, one even say that he will give me at least 3 mths and he would leave me and some even said thats he too young for me, whatever remarks i receive from friends or family, all i can say that love doesnt count on age, its always the mentality and heart that counts. Even though me & him always fighting, i always believe his words that we both are trying to know each other better. 

at the same time, insyaallah i fulfill daddy’s wish this yr. now he’s at mekkah and will be back only on 24th january.. its has been 2 months plus i have not meet him. miss my dad so much and pray for him that hes safely there.

Its monday blues at werk…. soo sleepy and yet there are loads of work to be done here….Time is only 12 pm and i still have 6 more hrs stuck in the office…. Oh mind! i need redbull drink this time…Yawwnnnnn……..Yawnnnn……..Last friday nite, shai, mardy, didi & me went to 1 nite stand and club hop to momo live just to see raf playing.. finally i get to bring shai & mardy to 1 nite stand just to see his clone "mus" the lead singer.. well the band play pretty good songs there and rocks tooo… luv that place already!… as for momo, pretty surprise that the crowds in momo live was kinda empty on that day, maybe due to the Hari raya festive mth, not much crowd goin on.. Infinity plays really chills music there and the singers there is really kinda entertaining… But then i still miz "Bad for boys".

yesterday i thought i can have a good rest at home, turning out that i have to meet didi and his uncles to chill at the grandma’s place. By the time i reached home, its already 11.30pm and went straight to bed. Today i got dance and probably couldnt make it. my body to weak to move and except for home.. so now im counting my mins and hours to reach 6pm and get out from here….